The Conflict Within Myself

This blog has been rattling around in my head for weeks, maybe even months. It revolves around two of my current favorite worship songs. I grew up listening to my Grandpa singing hymns to me for years and they became a very special part of me. The songs often say what I am feeling way better than I could ever say. I can't tell you how many times I have sniffled my way through Sunday morning worship or wiped tears away while I commute to work in the mornings. Sometimes its tears of joy, sometimes tears of disappointment in myself, but usually they are tears of awe for my God who loves me for whom He created me to be. I struggle between knowing the right thing to do and doing what I want to do instead. As Paul says in the Bible I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do because of the war between my spirit and my flesh. The songs below describe that struggle so well. The first song describes how I want to be remembered and the second song describes where I too often find myself.



The Blessing by John Waller



Let it be said of us
while we walked among the living
let it be said of us
by the ones we leave behind
let it be said of us
that we lived to be a blessing for life

let it be said of us
that we gave to reach the dying
let it be said of us
by the fruit we leave behind
let it be said of us
that our legacy is blessing for life


this day
you set life, you set death right before us,
this day
every blessing and curse is a choice now
and we will choose to be a blessing for life


let it be said of us
that our hearts belonged to Jesus
let it be said of us
that we spoke the words of life
let it be said of us
that our heritage is blessing for life




Still Here Waiting by Todd Agnew

It's cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame


I can't deny
I'm surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That's why I can't come home


I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream


I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting


I fail to see
Why You'd still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done


But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails


You say, Come home and You'll be there
I can run into Your arms